Another

Something great and terrible happened today. I had the long awaited summer championships in Washington and Jefferson University. Which, if you looked at it from the coaches point of view or my mothers: I did great. However, the moment i youched the wall and looked at the time, say that i had indeed cut 13 seconds from my one event and 7 from my other, making district times in both, that i did realize that my two year strain as a mediocore swimmer was over. I was happy, but at the same time I wasnted to just quit and not swim winter because I know that the pressure is just starting to mount. My mother's already critizing my technique and I'm wondering how i'm going to stay sane this year.

Actually, I'm frustrated about other things too in my life. I have accomplished nothing I set out to do this summer so far. I want rest and I have not got it thus far. I'm so worried about this triathlon, worried that I'm not going to finnish it, worried that i'm not going to do good, worried that i'm going to embarass myself, worried that my friends will use this as tool to show me how hard i push myself when i really don't need to. I"m scared out of my mind for this. I want to make them proud. I want people to know me for being a toughest, nicest, and determined competeator they've ever faced, not as some band geek or even that annoying girl. I want more of myself. I am disappointed with everything i seem to do. Nothing is good enough.

Maybe it was imprinted on me as a child before i got sick in 7th grade. I got called 'fat' and 'lazy'. I know for a fact that my grandparents pushed me harder in every sport. Perhaps its been my dad, who always refrained from praising me until just recently. All of this has had a bad effect on my personal image of myself. I still picture myself as the awkark husky girl who will forever sit the bench while the cooler girls get the glory. That makes me sick, because i know i have given my all.

All that pressure seemed to mount with soccer when I played up until 8th grade. My parents always said i needed to be 'better' and compairedhow well the other kids did compared to me. However, I was first string on my team, but I viewed myself as a bad player because of the critisim. So, I quit. Moved on to something that i thought their critisim couldn't follow. Now, they're slowly coercing me to start again. Like, all of a udden I magically become some great soccer player whom they've raved about all this time. NO, I"m not going to have it. I run now.

However, I still fell trapped in this web activites and because my parents don't believe in 'quiting', its going to get rough.

I miss the friends that don't keep in touch with me over the summer. If i have the time to call you, have the heart to at least call back. Boyfriends are not a good excuse. If you can spend everyday with them and show how much you love them in your info sheets, does that mean you have to suddenly ignor you true friends who were there for you before you 'fell' in love. I extend myself to everyone of my god damn friends and it seems that there are only the handful that appear thankful. I'm seriously tired of caring and I don't know why either.

Maybe in a way i'm envoius though. I see people falling in love, mostly close friends...and I wonder. Why not me? Why can't I have what others cherish? I....I just don't understand. Am I that bad of a person? I honestly think this is all my fault.


Things usually are my fault.

I'm weak like that.


Alicia